Finding my Voice

My father was set free of his earthly bonds on Tuesday May 9, 2017.  No matter how well prepared we are – or think we are – to accept the death of a loved one, when you hear the words “Your dad just died”, you feel like the breath has been knocked out of you.

Dad had been in the hospital for tests to determine what was causing him the pain in his legs.  During the testing, it was found he had an infection so the doctor decided to keep him admitted until the infection was cleared up. He came home to his ‘house’ – as he called it – a little over a week ago.  He settled into his chair and started snacking on his favorite cookie, Pecan Sandies.  His condition declined very quickly. We knew from the staff, Visiting Angels and Hospice that he did not have  a lot of time left, and did what could be done to make him comfortable and pain free.

Tuesday morning I spent a few hours down by the river, praying the Rosary and asking God to have mercy on dad – please let it be Your Will to take him today.  The Memorare I said at the end of the Rosary was intense.

My beautiful Council of Catholic Women prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy that night, and ended their prayer for my father at around 7:30pm.  I received the call at 8pm that my dad had died.  And I  did feel that the wind had been knocked out of me, prepared as I thought I was.

My tears were those of thanks and of grief. I knew our prayers had been heard and that my dad no longer struggled to breathe and was no longer in physical pain.

So dad, I will always celebrate your life, your exemplary model of unconditional love, and your humor, always your humor.  As you lovingly would say to me every night when we would talk “I’m glad you came to our house”, I say, I am too dad. I am too.

 

It has been about 5 months since I last posted in this blog, and I feel like I have been holding my breath for that long.

Since I last posted, much has happened.  We were blessed to find an angel named Edith to take care of my father for 20 hours a day.  In the time she was with him, he became strong, developed an appetite and was able to stay in his own home.  Dad and Edith became quick friends, and he was truly happy to see her face in the morning, greeting him when he awoke (which at times was actually in the afternoon).  We were able to sustain this financially for about two and 1/2 months.  In home care is not covered by health insurance and most long term care policies will only cover $78 per day.

One of my brothers in North Carolina had suggested to me in December that we move my father up there, to be closer to the whole family, and to give me some respite.  At first I was opposed to giving up ‘custody’ of my father.  As I prayed about it, the question was clear to me as I heard it: “Are you keeping your father here for you or for him?”   Around the same time, I accidentally found that my father had been paying for long term care insurance for 12 years.  It took me three weeks to find out who it was with and to get a claim filed.

Dad moved to a beautiful assisted living home in Charlotte in February.   He settled in and with some coaching from the family, went to different events at the facility and met some of the other residents.

After he moved out of his house, we spent weeks moving furniture, making trips to Goodwill and Salvation Army, cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning, touch up painting, making repairs. You name it, we were busy doing it.  The house was listed on March 23, the day before I left for Charlotte for my dad’s 90th birthday celebration.  On March 25, I signed a contract for full asking price on the house!

Good Friday, while I was at Holy Redeemer, Met Life left me a voicemail – my dad’s long term care claim had been approved.

April 28 I closed on the sale of the house.  I exhaled for the first time since December. It was such a strange feeling, after all this time just wanting to get it sold and even avoiding going inside the house. 20 years ago, after I had been living on my own away from my family for many years, my parents decided to move to Florida to be near me.  It was for me, quite an adjustment. As my parents aged and my mother became ill, I became the caregiver and decision maker for them. Now, here I am 20 years later, almost to the day, here in Florida with no parents or siblings near me.

I realize that all of this  happened in God’s time, in God’s plan.

My dad is still in North Carolina. His physical health is declining somewhat rapidly.  The spinal stenosis has caused him to have a lot of pain in his back and legs and we are confident that the caregivers will be doing what they can to manage the pain.  He can no longer walk but has gotten pretty good wheeling himself in a wheelchair.

His attitude and spirit is doing great – that wonderful smile of his is always there, regardless of the kind of day he had.  The care he has received at this Assisted Living facility and at the local hospital have been more than excellent.   The rest of my family can get to know my dad as I have gotten to know him in his later years, God willing.

My dear, beloved dad, thank you for who you are and for never losing your faith. I know that you are in God’s hands (and mom’s if she has anything to say about it).

 

 

 

 

 

Learning that my dad’s diagnosis was dementia didn’t come as a surprise to me.  What came as a surprise were the dynamic changes that could take place.  One day, he seems like the guy I know, looking confident (even if a little wobbly) and bright-eyed. The next, he is in a fog, unaware of where he is, or who is around him.

We have been very blessed to  have people coming into the home taking care of him and visiting him. He has the best neighbors ever! The agency we are using are very ‘angelic’ and their response to our call of need is so quick I can hardly believe it. Every caregiver that has come into the home has been exceptionally compassionate, kind and caring.

The toughest part of this disease is the uncertainty and unpredictability.  If a stranger had come into the house this morning, they’d think I was crazy to be hiring 24×7 care for him. What we are learning though, is that things can go downhill fast, even in the same hour. Things were going smooth this morning until….Me: ‘Dad, is there water running in your bathroom?’, Dad: ‘No, there isn’t’.  Me: ‘I hear water running in your sink’. Dad: ‘Oh my God I left the water running in my sink’….as he tries to jump up and turn it off.  God forbid that had been a stove top.

I’m not someone who typically feels hopeless.  But I am a realist, and know he will not get better and will continue to decline. I don’t like it, but I am accepting it.  I have no expectations at all about what each or each hour will bring. And I think that is ok.

 

This is  a season for me that I wish I did not have to experience. I know there will be a better season but the one right now is not where I want to be.

My dad and I have been especially close since my mother died in 2004. We’ve taken road trips together, traveled by air, gone to family weddings, concerts, baseball games, Christmas parties, theme parks. Some of the times were tough, most of the times were great fun.

Recently, my father spent some time in the hospital and a few days in rehab, with the hope that he would be able to strengthen his body and to gain some weight.  It was not to be. We brought him home this week, and what had been very mild dementia has rocketed into a rapid diminishment of his memory and cognitive abilities.  We went from having Thanksgiving Dinner a few weeks ago (even though he did not know what that was or why we were doing it) with him enjoying all of the fixings, to now, today. A short two weeks later.

He knows my name; he does not know that I am his daughter. He does know both of his sons and his neighbor.  He is not able to stand up by himself, or get himself into bed for the night.  His appetite is gone, and he cannot figure out how to use the remote for the television or how to answer his phone.

I am sad that I won’t have the kind of days ahead with my father that I’ve had in the past. I am sad to see him going through this.  There are times when I think that my faith is weak. I’ve come to know that having faith will not take away my sadness, but it will keep me from despair.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

 

I have been hearing from many of my Catholic friends, and reading articles from Catholic writers that they are opting out of voting in this election because 1) they cannot vote for a president and vice president who are pro-abortion and 2) they cannot bring themselves to vote for Donald Trump.

My friends, I ask that you take some time to consider that if you do not vote, you are actually supporting a pro-abortion candidate and her vice-president. It is as simple as that.

The Democratic candidates have an aggressive abortion agenda. It is something that she talks about on a regular basis. She has won the Margaret Sanger award, and I leave it to you do research what Margaret Sanger stood for. It is necessary for her to continue to praise the works of Planned Parenthood (the largest abortion provider in this country), as Planned Parenthood is one of the largest contributors to the Democrats, other than Hollywood celebrities.  Part of what you and I pay in taxes every year goes to Planned Parenthood in the form of almost $1B – yes that is right, almost 1 Billion dollars.  Planned Parenthood turns a significant portion of that around and returns it to the Democrats. Annual reports that are available to the public disclose this fact. She has publicly stated that she wants Planned Parenthood to get more.

The presidential candidate for the Democratic party selected a pro-abortion Roman Catholic as her running mate. This is no coincidence. At the ‘Women in the World’ summit this year in New York, she stated that “Deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed.” What better way to do this than to bring on someone who is a Catholic and is ok with aborting babies? Get those Catholics on board and ridicule their religious beliefs, that’s how you do it.

The Democratic candidate has stated on more than one occasion that she will do whatever she can to overturn the Hyde Amendment. Her running mate has said that even though he ‘personally’ supports the Hyde Amendment, he will support her in her efforts. Essentially, he has a new god, forsaking his Catholic faith and beliefs.   The Hyde Amendment is something that was established to protect taxpayers from paying for abortion on demand.  My friends,  with over 60 million abortions in this country since 1973, we most definitely have abortion on demand.

The new president will appoint a new judge to the supreme court.  If the Democrats come into the White House, you can bet the Hyde Amendment will be overturned, and you and I will be paying for ALL abortions through our tax dollars.

Does the Democratic candidate have other things she wants to do? Yes.  And I am sure that some of them are worthy.  However, based on her track record, I do not believe she thinks women can ‘bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan’, especially if a woman is single, or working, or going to college, and happens to become pregnant.

An article in Time magazine from June of 2016 states ‘Clinton linked access to reproductive health care to economic progress for the entire country, noting that the percentage of women who finish college is six times higher than it was before the legalization of birth control and that the movement of women into the labor force is responsible for $3.5 trillion of economic growth.’   I am sure the aborted girl babies don’t agree with her statement.  In the same article, Clinton is quoted as saying “It is worth saying again: defending women’s health means defending access to abortion – not just in theory, but in reality”, as she called for the repeal of the Hyde Amendment.

Planned Parenthood states that she is the only candidate who has testified before a Congressional committee on how abortion is an essential part of reproductive care.  In other words, it’s a form of birth control. Except that the reproduction has already taken place.

My non-voting Catholic friends, you may not like Mr. Trump’s brash personality, but you will not find an aggressive push to have taxpayers pay for all abortions on his agenda.

You may not like his remarks (many of which are taken out of context), or even his opinions. But you will not hear him saying that an unborn baby has no constitutional rights.  You will not hear him say that he supports late term abortions, up until 9 months. You will hear our Democratic candidate say that she does support this.

So, ask yourself again if you are willing to relinquish your vote, as a Catholic. As a believer that all life is sacred.

Yes, I know this is not the only issue that our country is dealing with but frankly, I am tired of hearing professed Catholics brush it aside as trivial.

 

 

 

 

 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  “What are your plans for the future?”

We all start making plans for what we want to be and what our future might be like when we get into our teens and start to think about college, marriage, or family.

What if we were asked these questions: “What do you think God wants you to be when you grow up?”, “What do you think God has planned for your future?”  Would the answers be different?

I don’t mean to say that we should not make plans or have dreams on what we want to be.  I do mean to say that maybe we should consider that what our plan is and what God’s plan is may be totally different. I can only speak for myself, but when I have pushed to make my dream come true, and it’s not in God’s master plan for me, things never turn out like I thought they would.  I’m then disappointed and continue to look for how I can make my dream come true.

It wasn’t my plan to be a part of corporate America – my plan was to get married and to have a lot of children.

It wasn’t my plan to move away from my beautiful hometown, to have my address change 6 times in 5 years only to end up moving to Florida twice in 3 years! My plan was to stay in Buffalo with the rest of my family.

My plan was not to have to take care of my dying mother, but it was God’s plan.  It was in his plan from the day my parents decided to move to Florida to be close to me. Although I did take care of my mother in her last months, I did not accept that it was God’s plan and while I was in the phase of resistance, I lost sleep, I was angry, I started losing faith.  Once I accepted it, things fell into place.  Work stress was taken away, since at the time I was blessed with a boss who was extraordinarily compassionate. My way of praying changed – it is when I started to say the Rosary twice a day. I embraced the burden that was to become a great blessing.

I am blessed to still have my father with me, and every day, no matter what, is a blessing.  Yes, he is old and does forget a lot, but he remembers a lot too.  And I know this is part of God’s plan to teach me or to show me something that I may otherwise have not known!

I still make plans, I still have dreams (yes, old people do have them!). What’s different now is I listen – I listen to that little voice that I now know as the Holy Spirit – and am learning when it is saying ‘Go! Go do this!’, or ‘Are you really going to do that?’.

Do you know what God’s plan for you is?